We are glad that you have considered Duits & Co. in your search for a job. We hope you will read through these introductory materials and sign up for one of our tours where you can meet the president, CEO and founder of our company, Mr. Duits.
Situated in the heart of no-man's land, Duits & Co. tries to offer an environment free from media influences so that your work experience may be as productive as possible. Surrounded by flat barren plains, all our energies are directed at developing new and innovative products which enable the public to truly experience what happens a world away. In the "barn," as well like to call it, our research and development teams scramble to come up with new gimmicks, fooling all but the most stubborn creatures, and products that will amaze and dazzle the American people into buying them. In the Duits & Co. tradition of accepting and toying with the absurd, the "barn," hay, loft, sheep, livestock, and stalls, is meticulously maintained by our superb environmental researchers.
Our past efforts have met with great success. Selling over 200 million copies, the Lance Ito doll, manufactured in our own factory to the strictest tolerances, has made it into every household in America. Honoring the 200 million copies sold and the conclusion of the O.J. Simpson trial, the team who developed the doll created a 20 foot Lance Ito statue out of plastic. Similarly, the autographed Timothy McVeigh bomb kit has sold well into the millions. Although the United States Congress, backed by the Republican party and the Christian right went to extreme measures to stop our production of the kit, we have prevailed and responded to the market demands for Timothy McVeigh bomb kits.
In our games department, they produced a prototype of the "Inferno," a board game where one is a pyromaniac in a contest to top the Oakland Hills Fire in less than 72 hours. By the end of the week, the production lines, capable of churning thousands of these games an hour, were ready and began to manufacture the novel game. With this game skyrocketing to the top of many gamer's lists, our factories could hardly keep up with the demand as the American public, under the free advertising provided by news media, snatched up a million copies of "Inferno" in one week.
When the FBI surrounded the Branch Davidian Complex in Waco Texas, our factories, designers, and marketers were already designing David Koresh dolls and paraphernalia. Once our researchers found out more regarding the activities within the compound, we produced the David Koresh bed and miniature firearms set. Our marketing research showed that not only do pre-adolescent males purchase the products, but adults in general seem to constitute a significant portion of the demand for our products.
Collaborating with our international partners in China, we have recently marketed and sold billions of Coke can holders with "Mourning for Deng" written on it in Chinese. The Chinese distributors and street vendors have also sold several hundred thousand Deng statues, medallions, commemorative rings, photo albums, books, and authentic replicas of Deng's traditional outfit. Projected sales are expected to reach the about 100 billion United States dollars during the next month, and even more profits can be expected if on the broadcasts of the government run media continue. With the future in mind, a Deng computer viruses, a Deng video game for the Sony Playstation and Nintendo 64, Deng Internet computers, and a Deng office productivity suite are also in development.
Ever since the Unabomber Manifest, our Kazinski team has been busy making Unabomber posters and hooded sweatshirts. Recently, they also managed to get their hands onto the sunglasses that were found in the Unabomber's cabin. In all, the Kazinski team has developed 100 Unabomber and Ted Kazinski related products.
Today's explosion of the Internet has allowed us to sell millions of Internet posters, baseball caps, designer Internet underwear, Internet calendars, and Internet watches. Of course, our company does not actually program Internet functionality into these devices, but rather seeks to satisfy the consumer's desire to be a part of the new age of the information superhighway. Duits & Co. is an important aspect of this electronic information age culture. Our management has focused one quarter of our research and development teams to the emerging technology culture. It is only a matter of time before more media coverage of the electronic developments occur, and when that time comes, we'll be ready to bombard the market with entertaining and useful products to complement every person's desire to be a part of this "revolution."
We hope you seriously consider joining our wonderful trend setting company. Our facilities include Duits vending machines with Duits soft drink available at no charge to our employees and immediate family. All our merchandise is exclusively available to our employees at 70% below retail. You can often walk down one set of cubicles and see our full line of Duits & Co. products in active and productive use.
It is amazing how our employees find new innovative uses for our products. Our dynamic community provides the best novelties and useful equipment to the world at large. To find out more about our company, visit our web site http://www.useless.com/, call (123) 456- 7890 or contact your local Duits distributor. Once again, we thank you for considering Duits & Co. for your next job and hope you decide to stay with us.